But I think i love him

Recently, due to a lack of “good black men”, I’ve found myself wondering just how happy I would be with someone outside of the black race. As a Black woman, I’ve had to work extra hard to protect myself from those who are attracted only to my aesthetic appeal instead of my intellect and personal beliefs.  And when in the 8th grade, one boy I had been desperately in need of some attention from, finally commented to one of my friends on three-way, “why would I need a girlfriend? for sex, thats all girlfriend/ boyfriends do.” I knew he was out of my league. I had to be one of the 10 virgins in the 8th grade at that time, and I decided I wasnt ready to give that up, not just yet. But hearing this comment made me especially cautious of those guys who did approach me.  Often times, I read them correctly and saved myself from wasting time.

And year upon year of interacting with the same type of young men just turned me off from those guys, who happened to be Black.  Now that Im at a historically white institution of higher learning, its extra hard to find a “good Black man”, and I decided that maybe I should try my luck with another race.  Although I’ve been told that all men are the same, sex is the aim at the end of the day, I haven’t really had that experience per se.  But I have found myself becoming increasingly attracted to non-Black men.  I KNOW for a fact I LOVE my Black men, and not just for their looks either, though there are some creamy dreamy Black men out there. But back to the point, I really really like this guy, he’s cute, very intelligent, and has the same life goals as I, its kind of scary how similar we are in fact. Yet something is holding me back from him, to the point where I am purposely pushing him away so that I could somehow curve my feelings for him. WHY??? I ask myself the same thing, i think there is something about race relations between our ethnic groups, he’s caucasian, that hinders my ability to completely trust his understanding nature of Black culture.  Not to mention, what I fear most, I’d be somehow letting down my Black men, God forbid I ever do that. But this fear stems from my own vulnerability of inflicting worthlessness on myself when I see Black men with white women.  Would I really want to make my beautiful brother man feel that way??? OF course not! But this guy, I swear, I think I love him. 

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